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"Dummy, Sir, life witJiout money and the best Society is'nt worth 
having.' '—Major Pendennis. 



M^ASHINGTOX, D. C. ; 

1884. 



A FOOL'S PARADISE 



A STORY OF 



FASHIONABLE LIFE IN WASHINGTON. 



Dammy, sir, life without money and the best Society, isn't 
worth having." — Major Pendennis. 



./^ 






WASHINGTON", D, C. : 

WILLIAM H. MORRISON. 
1834. 









Copyrighted by the Author, February, 1884. 



PRtSS ov 

"^v\ou^s \Ac,G»\v\. &1. Co. 



PROEM. 

'%^1P0N the outer ring of social sphere 
^^She stood and gazed, but never could draw near 
The inner circle of her hopes and prayers, 
Until a very lucky " rise in shares " 
As sudden came as Bay-of-Fundy tide, 
And money gained what merit was denied. 



Camilla — for Camilla is her name — 

A pretty babe into this bad world came ; 

Through colic, teething, and the other woes 

To infancy assigned, she goes and grows, 

Until she lovely girlhood's level reaches. 

llcr mother then this social science teaches : 

'• There is a world of Fashion, one of State — 

In this the men, in that our sex are great. 

Tis there Ave rule, or, if no sceptre own. 

We live and breathe and move around the throne : 

It is a land of pure delight, my child." 

'' Heaven?" Camilla asks in accents mild. 

"Not Canaan, dear, not bliss of piety. 

But goal of Avoman's hope — Society ; 



4 A PARADISE OP FOOLS. 

A paradise, vet one that has no guard 

Of angry angel with his flaming sword. 

If from this Eden woman is exiled, 

The means efficient are, my dear, as mild — 

A silent sneer, that asks, ' Why come you here ? ' 

A shoulder, colder than a frozen tear, 

Is turned when one uncredited draws near ; 

Or gaze prolonged, almost a vulgar stare 

Through half-closed eyelids, worse than madman's glare. 

If these you brave, next moment you may flee 

From chilling tones that ask, ' Pray, who is she f ' 

Ah ! beauty, brains and wit must all give place 

To ' tenth transmitter of a foolish face ; ' 

One whose descent our Yankee heralds trace 

Prom Cavalier, or else a Knight of Grace 

"Who fled bad Cromwell or good Charles' rage, 

In trade of rum or negroes to engage — 

Rum and religion on New England's shores. 

Conceit and slav'ry where rude Hatt'ras roars. 

Not hopeless all who have no pedigree. 
No ' Pilgrim Father,' or no < F. F. V.; ' 
For if their glances cold and frowns you greet 
With banker's book, and show a balance-sheet 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

As many-leaved as highest fam 'ly-tree, 

Then pride to pelf Avill bend the fawning knee. 

'Whence did you spring?' Ah, no, they will not ask it, 

Though you were left at doorstep in a basket. 

Such is the power of Gold all ends to win, 

Than virtue stronger, tempting more than sin ; 

On Satyr's head Gold places Beauty's crown ; 

It smooths the furrows of the stoic's frown ; 

It blinds the censor's unforgiving eyes ; 

In Honor's temple glides, there bids and buys — 

The legislator bows before its shrine ; 

With gilded hook the suitor casts his line, 

And judges turn from equity aside. 

For gold both law and justice override ; 

Disgusting age with gold wins blooming mates, 

Refinement shudd'ring weds what most it hates ; 

Philosophers bend low to golden fools — 

Gold is the sceptre Avhich the whole world rules. 

Between these rivals — gold and ancestry — 

I do confess I'm awed by pedigree, 

While thinking gold's of much more use, ay, very, 

Than ten grandfathers in a cemetery." 

The list'ning pupil lifts her anxious eyes, 



6 A PARADISE OP POOLS. 

Her hopeful tones subdued by doubting sighs — 

"Must I, dear mother, Paradise resign 

Since banker's book nor fam'ly-tree is mine ? " 

" 'Tis true, alas ! we lack blue blood and wealth. 

But you shall Eden enter, child, by stealth 

That silent worms its way among the blest 

And makes a count'nanced, if not welcomed, guest ; 

Since you will soon on social v&nture start, 

My daughter, take these precepts to your heart : 

To skirt of patron fasten unseen hand. 

There cling — a slave to foible and command. 

A servile incense offer up to pride. 

Smile when the barb is quiv'ring in your side ; 

Resent not frowns, preserve a visage calm, 

Submit to snubs — success will be your balm ; 

(Magic success ! men greet with smiling face, 

Ignoring means or motives, howe'er base ;) 

In conversation show a list'ning face ; 

Never usurp, but always yield a place. 

With rapt attention hear each platitude. 

Most patient be when patron is most rude. 

Restrain your wit, if that wit happy be, 

And never venture on a repartee. 



A PARADISE OP FOOLS. 

In Fashion's sphere preserve a golden mean ; 
There ripe is rotten and the fresh is green. 
Betray not nature by an act, word, look ; 
Never confess that you e'er read a book, 
Save sickly romance, vehere the unloved bride 
Has left her spouse — by fumes of charcoal died, 
Or drowned herself in suicidal S6ine 
To give absinthian lover mortal pain. 

Your entrance gain and keep at any price — 
Two tasks ! To get, and stay, in Paradise. 
From Decalogue depart, when ' 'tis the thing;' 
But to Propriety bescemly cling. 
Resistless push, but do not push with force ; 
Though shoved aside, keep steadfast on your course. 
Persist! persist! yet while persisting yield ; 
Through gates ajar steal to th' elysian field. 
And when the social Jordan you have crossed, 
And your ecstatic soul is tempest-toss'd, 
Let not then bliss your wary prudence blind ; 
Be sure to cast a scornful glance behind. 
Live in the manners of the sphere you've sought ; 
Let gestures, tones, and glances, too, be caught ; 
Seize and adopt each novel sound and word 



o A PARADISE OF POOLS. 

That fences fashion from the common herd. 

Be it chief aim with new-found world to blend ; 

If need be, cut your early bosom friend ; 

Or, if you're forced to make a compromise — 

Compelled to speak — see that you patronize. 

"When with th' abusive, be you, too, abusive ; 

Among exclusives be the most exclusive. 

Towards the set you've left in nether sphere 

Brows supercilious raise when they draw near. 

With foothold sure, some may, perhaps, from whim 

Move m all circles — in all channels swim ; 

But novus homo, breeched or frocked, will find 

The wisest plan to burn the bridge behind ; 

Ah ! I would rather than your failure moan, 

Have you, Camilla, your own sire disown. 

Had I a mother such as God has given 

To you, I might have reached this social heaven 

Where my Camilla, in this heart I feel, 

Will buy a seat, or seat will cunning steal. 

I'll aid your bark o'er treach'rous bar to glide, 

And safely in the longed-for haven ride. 

Ay, Moses-like, I'll stand on Pisgah's height, 

And to bright Canaan watch your glorious flight. 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 9 

Remember, child, the universal law- 
Is this, alas ! Per asp' ra ad astra. 
We are not rich enough to buy and bribe ; 
We shall be met by scorn and jest and gibe. 
Push, patience, and enduranee, wish and will, 
A maid's ambition and a mother's skill, 
Tho' tried, shall triumph. Oh ! too small the price 
To pay for entrance into Paradise ! 
Already has our battle, dear, begun ; 
Last night 'twas I who fired the signal gun. 
Your father, tired and weary, would have slept 
Had I not pleaded, argued, raved, and wept. 
He yielded, as men should whose wives are bent 
To have their way or never be content. 
You go to school, but do not go with those 
Whose home-bred manners and whose home-made clothes 
Are rugged as the lessons they arc taught ; 
Where all the graces are unknown, unsought — 
As, gentle tones, repose, and ease of motion. 
Of these their solid system has no notion. 
Association is the only school 
That teaches these things, never learned by rule. 
Madame Vip^re has not with her a child 



10 A PARADISE OF POOLS. 

Whose parents' hands coarse labor has defiled. 

They've breathed, my child, a different atmosphere 

Than that you dwelt in ; but then never fear, 

Your dress as tasteful as is any there ; 

Your face refined, your color rich and rare — 

The rose and lily ; then your golden hair. 

Your knowledge, too, I'm sure is on a par 

With other girls, for few have gone so far 

As you beneath ambitious mother's eyes, 

I, who in girlhood carried off each prize 

In public schools, which both of us despise. 

They furnish texts for partisans to prate 

Of free schools being pillars of free state ; 

They suck the substance of the land, and fill 

Professions starving with more beggars still ; 

They keep'from hamlet and from tradesman's shop 

The sturdy lab'rer — nation's stay and prop; 

They sow the seed of bitter discontent, 

Yet to ambition give no safety vent. 

A father's calling does the child despise — 

A trade is vulgar in his learned eyes ; 

Aspiring idly, he becomes a drone, 

Or skillful cracksman, makes your bonds his own. 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 11 

Had I in ign'rance lived, as I was born, 

My life would not be as it is — forlorn. 

Contented would I then be with my lot 

Until the flick'ring flame of life burns out ; 

For T, alas ! by sad decree of Fate 

Was humble-born, a^d money came too late 

To feed desires which knowledge unbought gave — 

To launch ray bark on crest of Fashion's wave ; 

But you shall live my life unlived, my dear ; 

Your bark with skill this mother's hand will steer; 

If dead, my guardian spirit will be near. 

Yet, daughter, in this task you have a share ; 

Above your mates you are, my child, in looks ; 

Beyond them, too, they'll find you in your books ; 

Your baskets with boas bons and fruits well stocked — 

Hearts old or young thro' stomachs are unlocked ; 

Pay in advance has won Madame Vipere, 

Between a grateful smile and wond'ring stare, 

(Tho' move her patrons in exclusive sets, 

They do not always, darling, pay their debts.) 

I do not, and I shall not, spare expense 

To give you all that can yield confidence ; 

Inspired, I've uttered maxims of a sage — 



12 A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

Apply those maxims in the war you wage ; 
Expect repulse, but never own defeat ; 
Seek safety sometimes in a wise retreat ; 
Return with vigor and renew the fray, 
Persistency and push must win the way ; 
Apt sentence sword, and silence for your shield, 
Will make Camilla mistress of the field. 
Observe, take mental notes, then play your role — 
Succeed, and fill with joy your mother's soul." 

The pedagogic heart is paid for toil 
When planted seed spring up in grateful soil. 
Naught had Camilla's mother to regret, 
Her daughter's heart and hers harmonious met ; 
The child to parent's aim had seemed to lean 
Between her lisping and the time to wean. 
Not in reluctant ears did teacher din 
Her social shibboleth — " Go in and win." 
The daughter, bordering now upon fifteen. 
With heart ambitious panted for the scene 
So often painted with a glowing brush. 
No hounds unleashed to hunt more eager rush 
To rouse the game that hidden coverts yield 
Than did Camilla to her untried field, 



A PARADISE OP POOLS. 13 

Yclept "Collegiate Institute Vipere ;" 

Nor did heart fail her at the well-bred stare 

With which Belgravia's maidens all took in 

Her dress from shoe-heel to her ribboned chin. 

No other hint, unless the formal bend 

Of cultured vertebraes might storm portend. 

But at recess Camilla feels her fate 

Hangs in the balance of yon ring of state — 

The social leaders — little girls as grave 

As dowagers, intent to sink or save 

Some new-launched vessel heading for the bar — 

As Fashion's junto — they who make or mar 

Her fixte who ventures to admission claim 

In circle of exclusive maid and dame — 

The court supreme Avhere social suit is tried. 

Whose votes ^'- Ought we to visit her .?'' decide. 

These little maidens, just like their mammas, 

Camilla tested by their social laws. 

Discussion grave, and then an awful pause, 

A single sentence end« debate and cause : 

" Her father is, or was " — they held their breath — 

" Mechanic base !" Camilla, social death 

For thee now recommends this merc'less court ; 



14 A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

Thy trial brief, thy shrift will be as short. 
Neglected are the claims of bread and butter ; 
No smiles they smile, no flippant speech they utter. 
" Our duty is to somewhere draw the line," 
They whisper ; then the fatal shells they sign. 
All this Camilla saw, all this she felt, 
But bravely bore the silent strokes they dealt. 
Like some young Indian in his native wild. 
Like some young Spartan or some stoic child, 
Concealed her pain, displayed so, calm a face, 
Her judges wondered from their 'vantage place. 
But pent-up feelings found a vent at home, 
Reserved for mother's ear was stifled moan ; 
Revived by love, inflamed by praise and scorn, 
To battle went she in the early morn. 

Thus step by step, in patient, slow detail, 
Camilla conquers — climbs the social scale, 
In microcosmos — world in miniature ; 
She learns to smile, and smiling to endure. 
Maternal maxim here and there applies ; 
No help she asks, but never aid denies. 
There is no slav'ry like an obligation, 
Save, let us say, the marital relation. 



A PARADISE OP FOOLS. 15 

Camilla, living strictly by this rule, 

Has for a debtor ev'ry girl in school. 

To would-be poet here she gives a rhyme, 

And to that candy corm'rant lends a dime ; 

This stubborn heart is bribed with buttered bread, 

Aid in some lesson bends that stupid head ; 

This line is conquered by divided sweets, 

And that one awed by algebraic feats. 

In glory did Camilla's school-life end ; 

She won all prizes but she gained no friend — 

The hour of vic'try was the hour of death. 

Her mother whispered with her fleeting breath : 

" Upon Life's sea Death's billows come and go 

Just as the tides of ocean rise and flow. 

Borne was your father by the going wave. 

Which now returns and sweeps me to my grave ; 

A few brief moments, then we, too, must part; 

Lay all my precepts deep Avithiu your heart. 

Strive on, my child, along the line you've striven — 

Seek first Society and then seek Heaven. 

Xo step take backward, but be patient still. 

She who endures can conquer every ill." 

'Twas George the Third, says Wolcot, looked on death 



16 A PAEADISE OF FOOLS. 

As nothing but " a little loss of breath." 

Yet to Camilla did it more portend — 

To her 'twas loss of best and only friend. 

She read the will, and found it did bequeath 

A mod'rate fortune ; this soothed mod'rate grief, 

And consolation took another shape — 

Camilla found becoming quite was crape. 

Among the chief of death's unpleasant features 

Was the uprising of those horrid creatures 

Whom she'd tabooed — ill-dressed and vulgar cousins. 

Who gathered 'round the bier in baker's dozens ; 

Came to the fun'ral with a fiendish zest, 

Their kin proclaimed — birds of a common nest. 

Yes, 'round Camilla crowded such relations 

As she'd eliminate from her equations ; 

The unknown factors, such as X, Y, Z, 

Excrescence morbid on the fam'ly-tree. 

To rid herself of these and sad emotions 

Camilla took a trip across two oceans, 

Saw upside down — antipodal, old Earth, 

Then called at Paris, there dropped in on Worth, 

And bought some rohes from that great dress-designer ; 

Game home and talked bad French and broken China. 



A PARADISE OP FOOLS. IT 

A face with beauty aud ten robes with trains 

Are sources not of pleasures, but of pains, 

If they and their possessor are unseen, 

To wake no envy and stir up no spleen 

In gentle hearts, who've only genteel dresses 

Cut by old patterns or by modern guesses. 

'Tis sure not bliss to dress and sit iu state 

Aud there the guests who never come await ; 

The best of wardrobes is no consolation 

For an unbroken social isolation. 

Camilla met her schoolmates day by day, 

And gazed at them. They glanced another way. 

Friends of her parents this proud daughter fly. 

So. like a vessel stranded high and dry, 

She stood alone, a social sea around, 

Old hearts forsaking and no new ones found. 

In ev'ry woman's life must soon or late 
Some fisher come with brains or gold for bait, 
Or bring, perchance, but face or figure handsome. 
From single fate the vestal fair to ransom. 
It is one thing to love, one thing to rave; 
Another still to be a woman's slave. 
This each man is whenever an aspirant, 



18 A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

Tho' kneeling lover wedded is a tyrant. 

Camilla was upon this very topic 

Quite cool and calm ; I may say philosophic. 

She held, and would not from position waver, 

Submission was the price of woman's favor, 

Her doctrine being that all love affairs 

Are not remunerative run on shares ; 

That man must do the loving ; woman should, 

With some reluctance, let herself be wooed. 

She thought a husband, tho' he be a fool, 

Is in wise hands a very useful tool ; 

That maidens are canaries in a cage, 

To idly sing, or impotently rage ; 

By gossips checked, by scandal made afraid 

Of what the world will say, or world has said, 

While widows, tho' the widows of a day. 

Have envied rights — enjoy a fuller play ; 

But woman wedded holds the highest station, 

Since, in one sense, the yoke's emancipation. 

Camilla waited wisely, not in vain, 

Surprised some men with unforeseen disdain ; 

Yes, waited patient for the coming man 

Who would fit in with theory and plan : 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 19 

A slave, a lord, a banker, and a bean, 
A fount from which both love and lucre flow. 
Upon the tapis such a one appears, 
His charms enhanced by recent rise iu shares. 
He asks Camilla if he may adore her, 
And she consents, provided he'll not bore her. 
Thus she who long so pliilosophic tarried 
Accepts the golden calf, and so is married. 
Professor Geikie, great in science, shows 
That smoke flies eastward — westward Fashion flows; 
So universal docs the tide so tend 
That Eden's doubtless Holy Land 's West End. 
Camilla, like all other rich men's spouses, 
Went to Belgravia, there inspected houses; 
A large and showy mansion pleased her eye ; 
No wish expressed her husband could deny. 
It was her task and trouble to select. 
His joy ineffable to draw the check. 
She after this on furnishing embarked, 
Old family silver bought, and had re-marked 
Old houffets, presses, sideboards, chairs, and tables, 
Old tapestry, inwrought with pious fables, 
New Persian rug, portiere., and candelabra, 



20 A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

With glass Bohemian, and all china Sevres. 
We men our wine, 'tis sometimes true, take free, 
But when a woman's on a shopping spree! — 
The gentle sex's wild intoxication — 
How very sad it is for contemplation ! 

In golden grandeur and with folded hands 
Camilla sat and gave her spouse commands : 
" Into the future, Charles, my spirit roams, 
Imagination pictures our 'At Homes ' ; 
You must, my dear, the cellar stock with wine. 
And then invite some one of note to dine. 
I've waited long, but not a soul has called ; 
It was appalling, now I'm quite appalled ; 
This utter isolation's hard to stand ; 
Some social man must lend a helping hand. 
Is there no Fashion's fool for us to play? 
No needy beau thro' whom to bribe a way? 
No General great, no Judge supreme, you know. 
Who's always seen where champagne fountains flow ? 
No Admiral whose throat is always dry? 
Now think, dear Charles, do more than thinking — try. 
Camilla had imposed a grievous task — 
For in her brightness did his dullness bask ; 



A PARADISE OP FOOLS. 21 

But still he seemed in meditation lost, 

In search of guests that he might play the host. 

" There's Vere de Yere " — " Why, Charles, the very fellow !" 

" He'll come so thirsty, go away so mellow !" 

Charles sighed, who 'd views on man's sobriety. 

Which he got rid of in society. 

" For us the social gates he can unlock : 

Go bring him, Charles, he comes of fine old stock ; 

Our chance and champion, whom we must not miss, 

Tho' of that stock he be os coccygis." 

^'Os coccygis ! What's that, Camilla, pray?" 

"The last bone, darling, of one's vertehrse. 

But do you think that he can be persuaded 

To visit us, whose fathers worked and traded?" 

" His heart, my dear, most any one can win 

With PomWy sec. in quarts, and terrapin." 

He came, and then Camilla's social science 
Triumphantly secured a close alliance ; 
He went away whole drunken and half dazed — 
Camilla some, but most her chef, he praised. 
An admiral's widow, pensioned, poor, and faded, 
Was by his warm description quite persuaded 
To cross the line invisible before 



22 A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

Camilla's carved and much-tabooed front door. 

With lunch impromptu and imported port 

Camilla paid the social vet'ran court. 

Glass after glass, pressed with a winning art, 

Went to her ruddy nose and wicked heart ; 

An offer of the coupe won her soul. 

Camilla's bark was wafted o'er the shoal, 

But still by winds adverse was driven back, 

Here forced to anchor, and there made to tack, 

Till in the end it rode upon the crest. 

Camilla was, or thought that she was, blest, 

For she had found a patron — 'twas her need— 

And patron found a protege to bleed. 

The aged harpy went through all the courses 

Of dinners frequent, used coup^ and horses. 

Broad pennant hoisted on the boarded prize — 

It was her role to sponge and patronize. 

Whom she put up none other dared pull down, 

Whom she endorsed enjoyed the social crown ; 

Since all from contest with this widow shrank, 

Whose witty shafts into their vitals sank. 

Her palate wined they and her stomach fed, 

Concealed their hate, and only showed their dread; 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 23 

Tho' honest motive prompted conduct nice, 
Tho' prized good name beyond the ruby's price, 
Enrage her. and she would all three besmirch, 
Her victim drive to nunn'ry or the church. 

As meteor new with an eccentric course 
Can eye from sun and planets bright divorce. 
So did Camilla, when she first appeared. 
Attract all gazers. All Belgravia stared. 
Their shrug she would not see, or hear the jest ; 
(A woman's blest who's bent on being blest.) 
None staid away from hot or cold collations, 
And most returned her calls and invitations. 
She even gave reunions literary. 
And found the bookish people funny — very. 
With Mrs. Leo Hunter at their head 
They came and read and fed, then fed and read ; 
Recited pieces of their composition, 
By miracles inspired and inanition ; 
Yes, read their essays, poems, and all that — 
Of which the periods were both round and flat. 
Around Camilla men with titles thronged, 
That to their wearers never had belonged. 
She did not pause to ask, nor did she care, 



24 A PARADISE OP FOOLS. 

When "judge " or "' gen'ral " sounded in her ear. 

Snobs rich and poor attended her levees, 

And lawyers, who go everywhere for fees ; 

Young doctors, also, who no patients had, 

And as to virtues, women quite as bad. 

Old politicians swarmed, of every school — 

The men who ruled, and they who wished to rule. 

Camilla took the hearts of all by storm ; 

She flirted some, because she heard 'twas form. 

Quite turned the bald heads of gray-bearded sinners- 

Her arts were charming, so, too, were her dinners. 

She had what never yet failed to attract. 

In some degree possessed God-given tact — 

Mysterious something, which so few enjoy, 

Or if they hav^e it, which so few employ, 

To heal the wounds Boetian beau has made, 

To cool the skin ill-natured wit has flayed ; 

When dullards strike, to salve the ugly bruise ; 

To change the channel of some scand'lous news ; 

To check the curious when they martyrize 

With questions which admit of no replies ; 

To soothe the friction of each social hour, 

To shine the brightest when the clouds most low'r. 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 25 

She did not ask, '' Did you your wealth procure 

By honest means, or did you rob the poor?" 

(Siuce^fc good society does not propose 

To care how money comes, but how it goes. 

For gold, then, break the Decalogue, my friend, 

The world wont blame you if you freely spend.) 

Nor was she either a she-missionary, 

Of other people's business being chary ; ; 

Her ears distrusted, but believed her eyes. 

Hence no frail sister did be-moralize ; 

Her heart was kind, her voice and manner cherry, 

They said, or seemed to say, " Eat, drink, be merry." 

With leaded lines the papers did record 
That at one ball Camilla had a lord — 
Not only live, but livelier than the rest, 
A very boosy, no less welcome guest. 
'Tis lords alone such conduct can afford, 
For drunk or sober, Avhy a lord's a lord. 

Of many passions pent up in the breast, 
Ambition triumphs over all the rest — 
Forever craving, like the hungry grave; 
Forever restless, like the sobbing wave. 
'Twas not enough to move in Fashion's sphere, 



26 A PARADISE OF POOLS. 

The Seventh Heaven would Camilla share; 

Th' Admiral's widow sought she and consulted ; 

A lengthy explanation then resulted. ^ 

"You've heard, my dear, about the '■Line Somewhere^ 

A few defend with courage born of fear ; 

A little band they are of born patricians, 

And very sensitive to strange attritions. 

They've culture coming down thro' generations, 

With names once famous in the eyes of nations ; 

In Senates early, on old battle plains, 

Supreme in virtue and supreme in brains. 

Who, god-like, suffered for the People's Rights — 

New England's martyrs and Virginia's knights ; 

That circle differs very much from ours. 

There money even loses magic pow'rs, 

There, to be humble-born is no disgrace. 

And blue blood yields to modest merit place ; 

There, count, lord, baron no respect commands 

Without clean conscience, linen, and clean hands. 

They are so fixed and firm in their position 

Cannot rise higher, and have no ambition — 

I mean ambition social, hence suspected 

All save themselves, the socially elected. 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 27 

She who appears petitioner for admission 
Excites their doubts at first, and then derision. 
You'd have my aid ? It has, my dear, been given, 
Without success. I have already striven ; 
I've worked in vain, and done all that I can ; 
Salvation social work on your own plan." 

Camilla schemed, but scheming was in vain ; 
Repulsed, she grew quite socially insane. 
Her silly husband, bitten by the rage 
To shine, dared with his blinded wife engage 
In rivalry. So he, to make men stare, 
*' The Tiger '' bearded fiercely in its lair. 
On Charles did Faro lay resistless claws. 
And Avent his "shares" to its capacious maws. 
'Twas his persistence in a " change of deck '" 
That hastened sad finale of the wreck. 
The rocks were reached, the breakers and the roar, 
Here raging sea, and there a friendless shore. 
It sudden comes with a terrific crush, 
From ruins first the bosom cronies rush. 
The sometime-diner hears the tale of woe, 
Shakes empty head and says, •' I told you so;" 
And chorus all : •' It is a grievous pity ; 



28 A PARADISE OP TOOLS. 

Camilla had the best cook in the city. " 

Camilla's boudoir — everything to suit — 
The sex described it as " so nice and cute." 
There sat its mistress, sat with tearless eyes : 
" Must I leave thee, Paradise?" she sighs. 
And then, as though the mis'ry to prolong, 
She softly sang King's sad, expressive song. 
The plaintive air was wafted thro' the door 
To Charles, prostrated, penitent, and poor. 
Camilla's notes but spoke a patient moan, 
Which his despair now echoed with a groan. 
She paused, arose, her fev'rish temples pressed. 
Drew near her feeble husband and caressed 
His hand so limp, and then upon his brow 
Her own pale forehead did she gently bow. 
" Dear Charles, I know that nothing can be worse ; 
And you chief sufferer, I the cause. ! curse 
The wife whose foolish vanity, unchecked, 
A husband's life has miserably wrecked." 
But Charles — alas ! his brain was never strong — 
Smiled faintly, saying, " Won't you, dear, that song 
Of leaving paradise, Camilla, sing ? 
I thought it was a heavenly angel's wing 



A PARADISE OF POOLS. 29 

Swept o'ei' my brow ; I thought it was the chaunt 

Of cherubim, who cried to fiends, 'Avaunt ! ' " 

She gazed into his eye-balls' vacant stare. 

Gone was the little mind that had been there, 

And naught was left but breath for death to rob. 

She checked the rolling tear and rising sob, 

Then tried again the sad and solemn strain. 

It soothed the weakling's sickly, o'er-wrought brain ; 

He gently breathed with head upon her breast, 

And, like a slumb'ring infant, sank to rest. 

A voice familiar, and with accents shrill, 

Broke on her ear : •' She'll see me ; yes, she will." 

She rose and smoothed her dress and tangled hair, 

The boudoir entered, found her patron there. 

They had not met for weeks — not since the crash — 

Yet DOW she came to purchase all "for cash." 

She'd kept not only from Camilla's way, 

But meantime gained another proteg^ 

With social aspirations and much money. 

With disposition pliant, bright, and sunny. 

For her she came, whose helplessness she pitied, 

To buy Camilla's menage^ so well fitted. 

And these two gazed into each other's faces, 



30 A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

One's skin like parchment that a drum encases, 

The other cold as marble in repose. 

Each guarded feature no emotion shows. 

Th' admiral's widow was prepared for tears, 

For sobs, and such things as " 0, me ! 's " 0, dear ! 's" 

This calm reception quite disturbed her centre, 

Some ease abstracted that effront'ry lent her. 

But soon her painted lips the patron purses : 

^'I hear that you of late have had reverses ; 

That your establishment must all be sold." 

'' Of course you've heard the news now three weeks old, 

With your facilities," Camilla said — 

Neath parchment skin there flushed a little red. 

She thought at least Camilla might be pensive. 

And not her patron put on the defensive. 

^' Heard and forgotten," sneered the frequent guest; 

^' But when you leave this warm and cosy nest, 

If pride and poverty be then unequal 

My faithful interest may improve the sequel. 

You've got to sell. Why sell not as a whole ? 

My friend will buy from hric-a-brac to coal, 

Nor will she chaffer any at the cost." 

^' You welcome coming, speeding the going host, 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 31 

Desert the bark Avhen it is tempest-tossed, 

And deem th" endangered just as good as lost." 

" What ! After all, it's not so very bad," 

The wily widow said. " I'm glad, I'm glad." 

Her voice had lost its tone of cold derision, 

As ghosts of dinners flitted past her vision. 

Camilla for a moment looked forlorn. 

And then her count'nance lighted up with scorn. 

" Kind patron, your worst fears are realized ; 

Your proteg6 by fashion is despised ; 

She's exiled quite beyond the sacred pale." 

"All women arc whene'er their husbands fail." 

"But I am hated that T did invade, 

Or rather that I have the tariff paid 

To social circle ; nay, have been so bold 

And bought what you and others greedy sold. 

Did they not snub me in my first advances, 

Then crowd to dinners, kettle-drums, and dances? 

How terrapin subdued their family pride : 

How did champagne their social doubts o'er-ride, 

Till, if they happened to be uninvited, 

They confidential murmured they were slighted; 

To your kind ear confessed their deep chagrin 



32 A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

Because, perchance, thej were not ' counted in.' 
Such complaisance to queens do courtiers show, 
Lovers perhaps to beauty bow as low ; 
And when the silly sailing bubble burst. 
Which of us do you think they heart'ly curst — 
Patron or protege — yourself or me, 
Whom you first launched upon the Social Sea? 
'Tis you, kind patron, who have fared the worse , 
They say you bribed, that I but held the purse ; 
That but to gain a single selfish end 
You'd hug a new, desert a time-tried friend. 
They say for vulgar people you've attraction. 
And that you take peculiar satisfaction, 
As social sponge, to suck up all the dregs, 
And give support to feeble social legs." 
Th' Admiral's widow, taken by surprise, 
Gazed first aghast into Camilla's eyes. 
A voice now stern, that hitherto was weak, 
Eang in her ears as she began to speak : 
''Never did I a woman so befriend, 
Never to any so much count'nance lend ; 
Your social soul was hungry, and as greedy 
As was your social prestige poor and needy. 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 33 

Who smoothed the way that to Belgravia leads ; 

Who planted flow'rs, and who plucked up the weeds ; 

Who risked her all, and risked it, too, in vain, 

To drag you in the Circle of Disdain — 

That circle of all circles most exclusive, 

Discreet and decent, distant, unobtrusive ? 

The place I gained you, lo ! you would not hold, 

But down the hill have in confusion rolled. 

As it should be, have found your proper level. 

Since you display the temper of a devil. 

To rudeness give such vulgar latitude. 

And for my kindness yield ingratitude." 

"Have I, indeed, no thankfulness expressed? 

Then vain are all my acts, must be confessed. 

My house, my horses, and my purse you used. 

Smiled in my face, behind my back abused. 

E'en you Tve heard of thanklessness accused 

By envious tongues. I heard and was amused. 

Your rivals said you had me in your toils ; 

What most they sighed for was divided spoils. 

That you have heard is true. I've had reverses. 

The tide rides one, another it immerses ; 

The rainbowed bubble, floating on the wave. 



34 A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

Discovers soon 'tis buoyed by its grave. 
We silly women only serious think 
When standing on the edge of ruin's brink. 
There have I stood and -weighed the cruel price 
To gain a foothold in Fools' Paradise ; 
Lost self-respect as near the gates I drew, 
Then simulated awe of them and you. 
My pride I bent and paid the penalty 
Of bribe and flatt'ry to venality ; 
Suffered myself to be too patronized 
Most by the idiots whom I most despised ; 
As hostess often heard the covert jests 
Of well-born beggars, even then my guests. 
Between the wine and walnuts, as they laughed 
And shot at Charles or me wit-pointed shaft, 
This herd of hypocrites cried loud ' Bravo ! ' 
Until our champagne fountains ceased to flow ; 
For when the spendthrift's serious troubles brew 
The flock of parasites seek pastures new, 
As you, my patron, did when first you heard 
The feathers all were plucked from off the bird. 
Now come with me to this adjacent room, 
And see how tragic can be folly's doom." 



A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

'Twas not request — the protege this ordered. 

The patron's forces were confused, disordered. 

There was a something in Camilla's bearing 

That set th' Admiral's widow musing, fearing. 

She ne'er before the timid role had played, 

But meekly now another's will obeyed, 

Who led the way with Clytemnestra's stride 

To where Charles lay, the curtain drew aside 

No word she uttered and no tear she shed. 

With nerveless finger pointed to the — dead. 

" This price I paid to enter in your sphere, 

This is the crime in which you have a share. 

'Twas you cried ' On ! ' instead of saying ' Halt I ' 

Yours rule of tempter, mine ambition's fault. 

Now go! thou selfish, frivolous antique; 

Go ! In Fools' Paradise oblivion seek ; 

Go ! Others ruin, petticoated knave ; 

Our victim I will follow to his grave." 

'Tis Fashion's foible to despise emotions ; 

They're not '-good form," according to its notions. 

Tones unsubdued are equal to a riot 

Where tones are flat for sake of social quiet. 

Camilla looked and talked like Nemesis. 



36 A PARADISE OF FOOLS. 

Th" Admiral's widow, unprepared for tliis, 

When she heard " Go," incontinently went, 

Much like an arrow from a cross-bow sent ; 

Fled from the scene of misery and death, 

Her own house reaching nearly out of breath. 

Unloosed her corsets, called for salts and water, 

Which are, with foot-bath, in a hurry brought her. 

A bottle, too, is hastened from the closet ; 

The cork resists, the cook resistless draws it. 

The handy maid proceeds to bathe her feet. 

While she ammonia scents and sips Laffitte^ 

One of last dozen by Camilla given 

Before relations were so rudely riven. 

The maid unnumbered potions strange advises ; 

Mistress, with feet in bath, soliloquizes : 

" Is there no punishment the law applies 

To such display of dead men to one's eyes ? 

Asylum for the quasi, half insane. 

Who with their griefs inflict on others pain? 

Are there no placebos, no cooling lotions 

To cure the vulgar of such rude emotions? " 

The maid had finished, and the mistress rose 

To don her stockings and to doff her woes. 



A PARADISE OP FOOLS. 

" Tliese common people arc so realistic !" 
She cried, while pensive nibbling at a biscuit. 
Thus is dismissed Camilla's episode, 
Just as a camel drops th' ungrateful load. 
The patron then prepares to make a call, 
The protege stays by the funeral pall. 




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